Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dear Abby...

...Yes, one of my *secret* Must-Do's before I tackle the writing in the morning. I'll admit it. You never know what's going to jog something loose, and there's plenty for consideration in the Dear Abby column.

Today's topic: "Wives Find Many Way to Cool Off Hot Husbands."

The column featured letters in response to Abby's advice to a husband baffled and frustrated when his wife, after he's put his best moves on her in the morning, would go shower, then stay in the shower to clean it, rather than coming straight back to bed.

Most of those who wrote had at least 2 cents to share. (Original letter)

One rather detailed letter came from a man: he and his buddies at work read the column out loud, and I liked the suggestions this guy made, and he had my attention until I got to the last sentence: "There's a time for cleaning, and it's not when your husband is waiting with his motor running."

It's gotta be a man thing. One guy got it: "Still Hot and Bothered" may need to give some thought to what turns his wife on or off -- especially the timing."

Hint, men, and this is directly from one of the letters in Abby's column today: "Men just don't get it! Women don't have on/off switches like men do. Atmosphere is very important for us."

So, to help you get lucky, I've compiled a list of pointers so you won't be left at attention with no attention from your wife.

List of Pointers to Help You Get Lucky

1. Look at the clock. What time is it? Does your wife have only 10 minutes before she has to get up and start getting the kids out of bed and ready for school or get ready for work? Chances are EXCELLENT you could morph into Hugh Jackman or George Clooney and she'd still be less than responsive to your moves.

2. If you want an early morning romp, remember, women don't have on/off switches. If you wake your wife up for some morning fun, give yourself plenty of lead time to get the job done. (Reference #1.) A freebie hint: also, what time did she come to bed the night before? If kids or work kept her up until midnight, she's not going to be delighted you wake her at 4 am for some marital hijinks, even if she still has 2 hours before she has to get kids ready for school or herself ready for work. She'd rather sleep. No offense to you. Also, if you still think it's worth waking her, are you prepared to deal with your Cranky Wife when you get home that evening? Because if you aren't, and you make the mistake of asking her why she's so cranky and irritable, I guarantee the next time you put the moves on her at 4 am in the morning, when she's had only 4 hours of sleep and has to get up to face her day with less sleep than she normally innit gonna get any.

3. This one is a difficult concept for men to grasp, so I'll use small words. As noted, women don't have an on/off switch. Often, women's sex drive is tied into their emotions (feelings). If your eyebrows are a-jigglin', and your wife isn't a-gigglin'...with joy at your advances...stop and ask yourself, "Did I hurt her feelings recently? Have I been an insensitive flocktard?"

List of Pointers That You've Been an Insensitive Flocktard

Have you done one of the following:

A. Made a passive-aggressive statement to her about her abilities? For example: "It's hard enough to get anything cleaned around this place." (Especially the day or day after she's put in a big effort to clean the house. That's a Big No-No. That screams out to her, "Honey! Look at me! I'm an insensitive flocktard who doesn't pay attention!")

B. Do you make sweeping generalizations about your wife's habits: "You NEVER do the dishes" or "You never fold the laundry" (Hint: if your wife is doing the family laundry, stop to consider how many people she's washing for. Then stop to consider how many of the clothes she's washing are HERS in comparison to how many she's washing that AREN'T hers. Then stop to consider you should get your lazy ass off the couch and HELP HER fold the laundry. Doing this could very easily earn you Big Points. Hint, hint, wink, wink, eyebrow wiggle.) or "You never hang up my dress shirts the right way" (Mr. Laura once made the mistake of bitching about the way I hung up his shirts. I stopped hanging them up for about 2 years. Once I resumed, he's not said one word about the way I get the damned shirt on the hanger.)

C. Did you accuse her of being a cranky bitch recently? Cranky bitches are NEVER in the mood for morning, afternoon or nighttime delight. EVER. (This is because a cranky bitch is a cranky bitch.)

D. Did you promise her you'd do something, and then you didn't do it? Okay, women can be reasonable (we put up with you men, and that takes a heap of forebearance and reasonable coping skills), and we understand that Shirt Happens. When the Shirt that Happened that kept you from keeping your promise, did you: 1) Explain the shirt and promise it would be your main priority once the happening shirt was finished happening? 2) Make a good faith effort to get to it after the shirt finished happening? See, by ignoring a promise you've made either because you forgot or Shirt Happened (and you didn't immediately strive to reassure your wife you hadn't forgotten, as discussed above), you're telling her you don't care about her. It's true.

E. Did you sit on your ass on the couch watching sports the previous evening while she dealt with getting dinner, helping kids with their homework, bathing, bedtime ritual, cleaning up after dinner, taking out the trash, various and sundry other household chores? Then did you, when she finally dropped her weary body on the couch next to you ask her why she didn't spend more time with you?

Back to the Original List

4. Did you miss an important date? Anniversary, birthday? Social obligation? If you did, you goofed and you need to mea culpa right away. And no, don't mea culpa with the idea that Make-Up Sex is going to follow. Women are wise to that. We know you're only apologizing because you know you got caught and you want to be sure you'll still get some.

5. Did you happen to say, "Honey, those jeans?" [Insert grimace and shake of head here].

6. Did you comment, "Gee, I remember when I could wrap my hands around your waist, and my fingers would touch. Can't do that anymore" recently?

7. Make any sort of comment about her appearance, other than those listed above? Did you say something mean about her new haircut and the highlights she had done?

8. When your wife told you she'd fallen down the stairs and had a big bruise on her arm because she'd grabbed hold of the banister with her arm to stop herself from falling say one or all of the following:
a. "What am I looking at? Your hairy armpits?"
b. "You should be careful. A woman your age and weight could break something."
c. "That's nothing, honey, you should've seen the bruise I got when ____ (fill in
the blank)"

9. Have you been in a foul mood lately? If you're moody---snapping and growling at everyone around you, from the dog and cat to the kids and your wife, I guarantee you you aren't going to get any kind of satisfaction in bed. You can't be a flocktard and then expect your wife to "get over it." Women don't work that way. If you want satisfaction, then BE NICE TO YOUR WIFE!

10. This is even more difficult to explain than #3 above. But here goes. Ready? Sometimes...women just aren't in the mood. And no, we can't explain why to you---it's an internal thing. Sometimes, you can have all the right moves, be spot on in approach and engagement. You've observed all the pointers, you've done everything right, and still, your wife would rather clean the shower than roll in the sheets, and there's no better answer than "I'm just not in the mood." If this happens, don't ask her why, don't try to analyze it. Don't attempt to cajole her out being Not in the Mood... Just snuggle in, keep your hands and your lips to yourself and hold her. If she moves away, let her. And remember, at the very next opportunity, tell her you love her. It helps. May not get you nookie, but it helps.

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