One day last month...or was it the month before that? Oh well. Doesn't matter... One day a month or two ago, I got silly in the head about all the laundry my family generates. Now, for years, best friend Sherry and I haven't simply "done the laundry." We've been training the laundry. I decided a guide for training laundry was in order. So far, neither of us have met with much success with training our laundry to do itself, but we're not quitters. In the immortal words uttered in Galaxy Quest..."Never give up! Never surrender!"
So, here's the syllabus for the Laundry Training Seminar. May all your whites be white, your colors be bright, and all the wrinkles out of sight.
...This series of mini-seminars is designed to help you train your laundry to do itself. We'll cover such basics as:
1. Sorting into like platoons
2. Practice marching to the laundry room
a. proper marching order
b. no stragglers left behind (Cpl. Sox, we're talking specifically to you)
3. Stain treating
a. how to recognize an unwanted stain
b. how to spray pre-wash on the unwanted stain
4. Loading and Washing
a. proper distribution for optimal cleaning in the washing machine
b. selection of proper cycle and water temperature for washing
1. where does this go?
2. how much is enough?
3. laundry additives
2. color safe
b. fabric softener and when to add it, plus a discussion on whether or not it's necessary
1. skin allergies
2. over-powering perfume scent to liquid fabric softeners
d. the "on" button, or how to start the washing machine
a. no laundry is exempt from transfers
1. from the washer to the dryer
2. dryer to laundry basket to await for further orders
b. pain-free transferring techniques discussed
6. The Dryer
a. fabric softener sheets
b. settings and drying times
c. defuzzing the lint collector
7. Folding, hanging, putting away
a. how to distinguish between what needs folded and what goes on a hanger
b. sorting into "ownership piles"
1. recognizing other clean laundry that lives in the same closet or dresser
2. differentiating 11ty gazillion underwear sizes and who belongs to what
c. the joys of matching sox
2. how to use hangers painlessly
e. dressers and closets
1. how to open the dresser drawers
2. how to stack into a dresser drawer and close the drawer
3. closets...they aren't just for mothballs any more
8. General laundry topics also covered
a. discussing the "caught up with the laundry" myth and its implications and practical applications
b. missing sock syndrome
c. recognizing laundryism and the 12 step program for overcoming laundry addiction
1. brief overview
2. sign ups for the 13-step laundry addiction program seminar
d. laundry training support groups
1. finding one near you
2. starting one
3. getting the most out of this support group experience
These mini-seminars will fill an entire day, but that's because snacks (read "chocorat"), beverages (adult and otherwise) are served, and other events such as healthy doses of Doing Dishes, Vacuuming, Shuttling Kids All Over the World and Back Again, Dinner Preparation, and our all time favorite: Procrastinating on the Internet are included in this mini-seminar. Don't delay. Sign up today.
This mini seminar addresses the topic of laundryaholism. Do you know if you're a laundryaholic? Fortunately, there is one simple way to find out. It's painless, it's cheap, and there's a cure. Take our laundryaholism test to find out if you need this important 13-step program today.
TEST: Do you do laundry?
If you answered "No," you ARE NOT a laundryaholic.
If you answered "Yes," you ARE a laundryaholic. Don't worry. We're here to help you overcome this unfortunate disease with our 13 step program.
LAUNDRYAHOLICS 13 STEP PROGRAM TO ELIMINATING LAUNDRYAHOLISM FROM YOUR LIFE
1. Admit you do laundry. The first step is acknowledging that you participate in this tiresome activity.
2. Join a support group for laundryaholics, such as this one.
3. Recognize your laundry addiction for what it is: a sick, twisted waste of time. The clothes are only going to get dirty again. They're only going to require folding, hanging and putting away again. It's a losing battle.
4. Proclaim your intent to be a winner, not a loser, in the laundry battle. By admitting you don't want to be a laundry loser and refusing to play the game the laundry's way, you too can be a winner.
5. Enroll your laundry in a laundry training boot camp. (See our seminar syllabus above. Space is limited, the fees way too expensive, but it's worth your piece of mind.)
6. Examine your laundry generating habits. Are they out of control? Do you wear clean undies, sox and outer clothes on a daily basis? Do you change your clothes two or three times a day? If the answer to these questions is "yes", you are a laundry generator. There is help. Go find it.
7. To save, time, effort and natural resources, bathe/shower fully clothed. This will clean you AND your clothes AT THE SAME TIME.
8. Don't hang out with other laundryaholics. You'll only fuel each other's laundry obsessions.
9. Teach your children to do the laundry. Yes, while you are encouraging your children, the fruit of your loins, to engage in laundryaholic behavior, take heart. They're young, and the ill effects of laundryaholism won't affect them for decades.
10. Recycling is good for the environment. Recycle your clothing. Purchasing new clothes every week to replace dirty laundry is also good for the economy.
11. Just say "no" to laundry. And say it like you mean it.
12. Hire someone else to do your laundry.
13. Ignore your laundry. Sooner or later, it will become dirty enough that it can walk away. Seriously. How do you think dirty undies and sox get under the bed?