Friday, May 08, 2009

How To Hit On A Woman

...Okay, this topic was suggested by a co-worker (I'll call her "Chrys") of my cohort in friend, Sherry, but a couple of things occurred to me while I was pondering other things as I did my hair this morning.

1. No grown man needs to be hitting on a GIRL.


2. It would be easier to provide guidelines rather than a checklist of what to do or not do when hitting on a woman (see #1, above)... so... Chrys, here you go.

How To Hit On A Woman

1. A general FYI...This may come as a shock to you men, but women can identify a line when they hear one. Don't assume that because the woman you're hitting on is blonde means she has marshmallow fluff for brains. (Oh, hey! That reminds me, I need marshmallow fluff so I can make fudge later on...) Got that?

2. Just because you meet a woman in a singles bar doesn't mean she's trolling or desperate. To the contrary, women are just as entitled to oogle YOUR package as you are to oogle OURS. Just because we're looking, doesn't mean we want to touch. Could mean you might wanna check your fly. Just sayin'. You can never be too sure. So don't presume to know why you met this hot chick in a bar.

3. About "hot chick." Don't call her that. She's not a chick. Nowhere on her body will you find feathers, unless she's purposely wearing a feather boa, and no, you may not conduct a nekkid full-body search to verify her claim that she's feather-free. Thank you for asking.

4. Hey! About her boobs. You know, that portion of her anatomy conveniently located between her arms and under her head? Okay. Here is a news flash. She doesn't have eyeballs on her boobs, so when you're talking to/hitting on her, please do her the courtesy of looking her in the eyes. After all, she doesn't talk to*self*...when having a conversation with you.

5. It's not necessary for you to laugh at your own jokes. Believe it or not, she will laugh if she thinks you're funny. She doesn't require a teleprompter to cue her when to laugh. So, if she's not laughing, you weren't funny. Sorry. Try again! A good sense of humor goes a long way.

6. Just because she's not interested in your advances doesn't mean she's a lesbian. It means she's not interested in YOU. (PS, calling her a lesbian doesn't hurt her feelings and it certainly won't make her like you more. Point in fact, it only confirms her suspicions that you're a jerk. 'Kay?)

7. If we've gotten to the point where we've exchanged personal information, like "I have two teenagers at home, daughters, aged 17 and 19), don't tell her she can't possibly have kids that age or that she's too young to have kids that old. She's not. And she's not stupid---She owns a mirror. She's earned every line around her eyes that she's Oil of Olay'd to oblivion and every gray hair under her Miss Clairol # 74. Phony compliments are like pick up lines. We can identify them when you utter them. If you want to compliment her, give her a genuine compliment, not a line you think she wants to hear or something you think will score you points.

8. Speaking of points...Getting and keeping a woman's attention is not like accumulating enough points to get a really neato prize at Chuck E. Cheese, yanno? You aren't going to SCORE! when you reach half a million points.

9. Don't judge a woman by her face or body. Just because she's not supermodel gorgeous or thin means you're free to ridicule or make rude comments to your buddies or even directly to her. Okay? Another tip. The supermodel gorgeous woman on the next bar stool did notice you being a jerk and has already crossed you off her list. Hey! That supermodel gorgeous woman might even be her best friend or sister.

10. If she's interested in your advances, she'll let you know. If she's not interested in your advances, she'll let you know. Here's a stunning thought...could be she's at the bar because she wants a drink, not because she's trolling for sex.

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