Excuse Me? Pardon My Bafflement...

Okay, I must confess a certain amount of...well, bafflement over a commercial for a well-known brand of moisturizer. The product in question is billed as an "eye wrinkle protocol."

PROTOCOL?

Does the bottle of moisturizer curtsy when it sees you coming?

Protocol. Sure is a very fancy word to describe eye cream.

Main Entry: pro·to·col
Pronunciation: \ˈprō-tə-ˌkȯl, -ˌkōl, -ˌkäl, -kəl\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle French prothocole, from Medieval Latin protocollum, from Late Greek prōtokollon first sheet of a papyrus roll bearing date of manufacture, from Greek prōt- prot- + kollan to glue together, from kolla glue; perhaps akin to Middle Dutch helen to glue
Date: 1541

1 : an original draft, minute, or record of a document or transaction
2 a : a preliminary memorandum often formulated and signed by diplomatic negotiators as a basis for a final convention or treaty b : the records or minutes of a diplomatic conference or congress that show officially the agreements arrived at by the negotiators
3 a : a code prescribing strict adherence to correct etiquette and precedence (as in diplomatic exchange and in the military services) b : a set of conventions governing the treatment and especially the formatting of data in an electronic communications system c : convention 3a,b
4 : a detailed plan of a scientific or medical experiment, treatment, or procedure

Huh.

Okay.

Well, I have to admit, I've been using cheap, generic facial moisturizer for years. So far, my eye wrinkles don't seem to require a more impressive protocol. Honestly, I don't see my wrinkles as The Enemy That Must Be Eradicated By Any And All Means Possible.

Nope.

I earned every single wrinkle. Wrinkles lend character to a face---laugh lines tell the world you enjoy life and laugh often. The fine lines around my eyes deepen when I smile or laugh and I see nothing wrong with that.

The other thing that baffles me is that prescription stuff Brooke Shields is hawking for eyelashes. I have one suggestion for women who feel they have insufficient eyelashes: MASCARA.

The fixation on being wrinkle-free, fabulously eyelashed, and another phenomenon that baffles me, the preternaturally white teeth every celebrity seems to have grown, bugs me. I laugh at the wrinkle protocol commercial, change the channel when the eyelash prescription medicine comes on, reach for my sunglasses to protect my eyes agin the glare off all the white teeth.

I'm happy with my wrinkles. My inadequate eyelashes don't bother me (because I use mascara and pretty much don't obsess over my lashes---I have other things to worry about, like my children. I'm pretty sure my kids don't give 3 pips about my eyelashes and wrinkles)... And I'm worried that everyone bleaching the huzzah outta their teeth are going to bleach their teeth right out of existence. That'll sure look good in their wrinkle-free, long-lashed faces for sure.