Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Oh, Complaints Department? I'd Like To File A Formal Complaint...

Every mother alive on this planet would probably agree with the sweeping blanket statement I'm about to make.

You can't get through a single solitary day without someone complaining about something. And the little dears start as soon as their eyes snap open in the morning with some pithy comment about "Morning again? Already? Didn't we just have one of these yesterday?" Oh. Wait. That would be me. I'm not a morning person, not by any stretch of the imagination. I have a list of complaints about morning.

1. It comes so early in the day. I'd like morning a lot better if made an appearance after noon o'clock.

2. We have mornings every single day. I think this is overkill. One morning per week would be sufficient. Maybe even as little as one per month would be nice.

3. My husband is a morning person. Even more disgusting? He doesn't like chocolate. I know. Unfathomable.

So, being that I have 3 complainers under the age of 14 living with me... er... I mean delightful children... I thought I'd start a list of their usual complaints.

1. Do I hafta get up?

2. But I don't want to go to school today.

3. I can't find my shoes.

4. I can't find my backpack.

5. But I brushed my teeth yesterday!

6. But I showered yesterday!

7. Mom, *he* won't leave me alone!

8. I don't like asparagus. (Okay, I'll admit, I'm the ONLY person in this house who DOES like asparagus. The last time I served it, um a good 3 + years ago, MR. LAURA (he of the morning person temperament who spurns chocolate) started the asparagus food fight. Not even repeating that eating asparagus would make your poops float would get any of my boys to eat the asparagus. Poop is a favorite topic (often at the dinner table), and a certain grandma (who's not MY mother) told the boys once when we'd left them in her tender care that eating veggies would make their poop float. I think she was trying to interest them in eating the veggies she'd served with dinner, and being a mother who raised 2 sons herself, knew of the allure of the "poop card." Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I digress. Mightily. Wow. Look at that long rabbit trail!

9. *He's* picking on me.

10. I don't like this homework. It's too hard. (Okay, homework sucks, there's no two ways about it, and it really sucks when the teenager has algebra homework that makes your head explode. For example: What multiplies to -16 and adds up to -2? Yes, that was smoke pouring out of my ears as the braincell burned itself to oblivion trying to work out THAT gem. Um. WHO THE HECKADOODLE NEEDS TO KNOW MATH LIKE THAT IN THE REAL WORLD? I mean, c'mon! Do YOU walk around Walmart muttering such nonsense to yourself as you make your way down the toilet paper aisle?) Ooops. I digressed again. Gee. My complaints just seem to pop out, kinda like when you take the kids grocery shopping and you get to the checkout, start loading the conveyor belt and suddenly notice 3 boxes of Cocoa Pebbles had fallen into your basket without your knowledge.

11. How come I ALWAYS have to take a shower FIRST? (I dunno. Luck? You stink the most? Pick one. That's the answer.)

12. I can't find any socks. (Gee, have you tried looking in your drawer?)

13. How come I always hafta _____ (Fill in the blank.)

14. That's so unfair. (Hint, kid: LIFE is unfair. Get used to it.)

15. I wish I was a grown up, so I could do whatever I wanted! (Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Yeah. Lemme know how that works out for you! I AM a grown up---by definition only----and yanno, the opportunities to do whatever I want aren't nearly as numerous as I'd imagine they'd be when I was kid making this complaint to MY parents... who undoubtedly laughed themselves silly about it, just like I do, thus the circle of life

So then. What are the familiar complaints in your day? I bet there are some doozies out there. Don't be shy. Poke fun at the complaints. If we can't laugh at them, the only other choice is to cry, and let's face it. Crying makes our eyes red and puffy and we look like hell when we're done, so let's not.

One more thing... who all remembers a poster where there was a tiny box in the center, with the caption: "Please write your complaint in the box. Please write legibly."???? Anyone? Anyone? Buehler?

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